Random Acts of Gayness (The Impersonator Mambo Redub)

Random Acts of Gayness (The Impersonator Mambo Redub)
by templemarker

Notes: For waketosleep in Remix Redux 9: Love Potion No. 9. This is a remix of Random Acts of Gayness, which was hilarious and delightful and so much fun to reverse.

Steve frowned.

He didn’t think of himself as a frowner–he thought he smiled enough, really, he had a pretty mobile face. He had his ass-kicking face, right, and his drop-your-M4′s-motherfucker face, but in general he thought he gave good, happy face. More than he’d given in a lot of years.

But–Danny was being weird. Weirder than normal, weirder than Steve really associated with him. He was hunched over his desk, scribbling away at a form. That wasn’t unusual, but the way he wasn’t making little comments or teasing Steve as he was doing them was.

Danny hadn’t tried to shove new pictures of Grace in his face all week, and usually Steve had four picture messages by Monday at noon of Danny and Grace’s adventures over the weekend.

Plus, Danny’s tie was blue, and this was red tie day. Danny never switched it up–he had some weird system that Steve was on the edge of cracking, and this blue tie was all kinds of fucking wrong.

And finally, Chin had gone out on the lunch run and accidentally brought back four burgers with pineapple, and Danny hadn’t even complained, just ate his at his desk while grunting over his computer. That made Steve look wildly at Chin and Kono, but they were too engrossed in looking at basketballs stats to pay attention to him.

Something was off.


“Chin,” Steve said, hovering around the doorframe of his office and catching Chin as he walked by.

“Yeah, boss,” Chin said, pausing to look up from his tablet.

“Does Danny seem weird to you?” Steve asked, aware that he was frowning again. He hated frowning, it made weird lines appear in his face.

Chin raised an eyebrow. “Weirder than normal, for a mainlander?” he said.

Steve shrugged and made a face. “I don’t know, like, has he tried to make you go to Grace’s softball game this weekend? He’s usually bugging me about that by now.”

Chin’s eyebrow went higher. “I don’t make a habit of attending eight year old’s softball games, boss,” he said, a little archly.

Steve protested, “No, I just mean–isn’t he acting kind of funny to you? He’s not bugging me like he normally does, he’s not all up in my business.”

“Are you asking why he’s not playing the nagging spouse? I thought you’d be happy for the break,” Chin said.

“What? No, he’s not–you know what, never mind. I’ll figure it out myself,” Steve said decisively. Chin snorted and walked away, looking down at his tablet again.


“So you and the little missus are on the rocks,” said Kono with an evil glint in her eye.

“Goddamnit,” Steve said. “Don’t call him little.”

“What, only you get to do that?” Kono said.

“Yes,” Steve said, “also, we’re fine. He’s just kind of–off.”

“Off like ‘I won’t make out with you in the janitor’s closet today’ or off like ‘you ain’t getting none of this for a whole month’?” Kono said philosophically.

“I–wait, what, we don’t—Kono, we don’t–any–” Steve spluttered, hands waving in front of him, an imitation of Danny that was better than Danny himself currently was.

Kono just laughed at him. “Why don’t you buy him some coffee?” she said. “That caramel shit he likes, maybe it’ll repair your relationship a little.”

“We’re not in a relationship!” Steve said, aware that his voice was a little high.

Kono patted him on the shoulder. “I’d give my boyfriend a caramel macchiato if it meant he’d let me get handsy again,” she said.

“Fucking dammit,” Steve said and hustled out of the room.


Steve didn’t really think about his nosy bastard side much, because really it’s just like his nosy investigative side only with fewer firearms, but he was not ashamed to admit that he followed Danny home. And watched as Danny’s hand ran through his hair and some of his pretty blond hair colour came right off onto his hand. Danny wiped it onto his trousers with a sour look.

Steve whipped out his rear piece and his spare ankle piece and SEAL-crept up to the door. He looked through the window, and finally got to just the right angle to see what was now totally obviously fake-Danny adjusting the bindings holding real, extremely pissed Danny to one of his kitchen chairs.

Fake-Danny gave real-Danny a sleazy smile and went into the bathroom. Steve heard the shower turn on, and he waited thirty seconds before stealthing into the apartment and coming up to Danny. Danny’s eyes showed relief and anger and a whole lot of “wanna punch something,” but Steve held a finger over his lips, put his pieces away, and pulled out his utility knife.

They crept back out the apartment and Steve handed Danny one of his firearms; they closed the front door to wait on either side for the fucker, for fake-Danny, to come storming out in a panic looking for real-Danny.

Danny was breathing hard, his face red and in an awful scowl. He looked over to Steve and said “Where the fuck have you been?”

Steve boggled a little bit at him. “I’ve been trying to figure out why you haven’t been your annoying, overbearing self all day!” Steve hissed. “Give me a little credit for finally rescuing you!”

“You’ll get credit when I get ass-kicking,” Danny hissed back, one lock of his actually-blond hair hanging petulantly over his forehead. “But, you know, thank you and shit like that. Where’s Kono and Chin?”

“They thought we were having relationship trouble,” Steve said.

Danny’s eyes narrowed. “No Monday malasadas for them, then,” he said. The shower turned off and they both tensed, ready for action.

“Let’s kick some fake-Danny ass,” Steve said, flicking the safety off.

“I can’t wait. That fucker ruined at least two of my ties,” Danny whispered back.

Steve paused a second, and then smiled. “I really missed you, Danny.”

Danny glared at him for a moment, but then his gaze softened. “Yeah, me and my nylon rope missed you too, Steven.”

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